A play which will live in infamy
My
fellow citizens of Twelveland: This past Sunday, Feb. 1, 2015 – a date which
will live in infamy – our way of life, our well being and our sense of security
were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the defensive forces of the Republic
of Belichickistan.
Our
conquering forces, needing only 1 yard to secure final victory on the field of
battle, were shockingly and rudely turned back by the enemy in an act that was
so swift and unexpected, many of our citizens are still reeling in disbelief
and asking solemn and profound questions about the meaning of life, our place
in the universe and what Pete Carroll was thinking in not handing the ball to
Marshawn Lynch. These are questions that may never be satisfactorily answered
in our lifetime.
The
acts of our foes on the field may have stopped our warriors’ advance, but they
cannot shake our faith in each other, our devotion to the cause of victory or
our belief in the principles of Beast Mode and the Legion of Boom.
The
search is under way for those responsible for the play calling that resulted in
certain victory being snatched from our grasp. I have directed the full
resources of our sports talk radio, Internet fan sites and the NFL Network to
bring to justice those individuals who bear responsibility.
And
now I want to say something to schoolchildren of Twelveland who were watching
the live coverage of this horrific event. I know it’s hard to understand, but
sometimes things like this happen. It’s all part of the process of boldly going
where no game plan has gone before. The future doesn’t belong to the
fainthearted, to those who would run the ball four times from inside the 5-yard line. Our
valiant warriors were pulling us into the future, to a place where the world is
safe for 1-yard slant passes on the goal line when the enemy lines up in run-defense
formation.
Tonight
I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the citizens whose worlds
have been shattered, for all those whose sense of safety and athletic supremacy
has been threatened. And I pray they will be inspired to go forward by the
words of the immortal Knute Rockne: “Show me a good
and gracious loser and I’ll show you a failure.”
We
will never forget our valiant wide receivers, or the last time we saw them,
that evening, as they tried to slip the surly bonds of the enemy secondary and
touch the trophy of Vince Lombardi.
We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the Red Zone. We
shall fight on the line of scrimmage. We shall fight between the tackles. We
shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air and on the
ground, whatever the cost may be. We shall never surrender. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties,
and so bear ourselves that, if the Republic of Twelveland last for a thousand
years, 12’s everywhere will say, “This was their finest 59 minutes and 30
seconds.”
With
confidence in our offensive and defensive play calling, with the unbounding
determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph, so help us
God.
May
our flag fly proudly throughout our land.
Go
Hawks.
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